Y-1-1900902

It's been a while since my last entry, not sure how much time has passed. Not yet a month, I'm guessing.

It's hard to keep up a dairy. Not that there's nothing to write about, but a lot of it is the same. How often do I have to write about the hostile environment, my loneliness, my hopelessness.. I don't like to read these things back. I'm waiting for positive experiences to write about, but there are few.

My parrenflus, Larie, can be a bother to have around. He's docile and obedient for his species, but I just don't know what I'm doing with him. What am I doing? I'm not in the position to give what this boy needs or know how to steer him into a better future, for all of us. He's still the same person from when we started. The many thought-provoking conversations I tried to have with him have been pointless and tire me out. I'm becoming less motivated in opening up my heart to him. I want a friend, but he can't meet my standards.

I tried to teach him how to write and read, but he can't remember the letters, because he can't attach a meaning to a symbol. Algebra will be far beyond his capabilities. Since he drew a picture of me before, I tried to improve his artistic skills instead, but he can only remember and apply a few details at a time. He started at the level of a 3 year old and is stuck there. He ignores my tips.

I want to think I'm just being impatient, but even a rat can learn a new trick within a day. Why is there no progress..!

More importantly, why does this upset me so? Am I so desperate for a tea buddy that I torture this creature with ideas and demands he can't even comprehend? Every sleep-deprived night I wonder to myself if I've been unfair to him that day. I shouldn't get angry at a fish for not walking after wasting weeks trying to teach it. I'm the fool here.

I've said this before, but I think the speech collar is deceiving me. I know what Larie sounds like without it. With it, he sounds normal and unsuspicious. He can say silly things, hurtful remarks, but they still could've been uttered by a regular human being. But.. what is he really saying? How well does this collar do its job? It's making me paranoid. Am I being translated accurately?

..I want to like Larie. Doesn't feel impossible. There've been many moments where I liked him, yet too many where I'm afraid, disgusted or feel defeated by him. I have to know if he can evolve into something else. More human. It's incredibly selfish of me, but it's what I want. I hope our relationship is at a point where he can handle my honesty. Or understand it. I should try to get through to him a few more times.

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